Grantee Profiles

We’ve assisted in the funding of more than a hundred billion (USD) since our offices first opened up, and it’s no small feat, and something we take tremendous pride in. In a recent survey conducted by Better Homes & Gardens, our agency was listed as one of only 27 in the country that didn’t receive a single "Strongly Dislike" rating.

We work hard to do that, but we also help make the world a better place, and we do it by funding some of the most aggressive, interesting and difficult to understand research projects that have ever been.

To get a better understanding of what we do, just look at some of the programs we’ve facilitated funding for in recent years, and you’ll begin to get a clearer picture of exactly what we do that makes all the difference in your world.

Name: Jason Heywood
Organization: University of California, Berkeley
Amount: $946,000
Research Summary: To test the fire resistance of rare antique wooden furniture in comparison to an assortment of commercially available furniture products in a real world environment vis-à-vis by dropping them into an active lava flow.
Research Findings: Antique furniture burst aflame at almost the exact same temperature and was reduced to ash in virtually identical periods of time.

Name: Robert Waters
Organization: Robert Waters Research
Amount: $791,100
Research Summary: Testing the myth from the film Titanic that large diamonds on precious metal chains sink when cast into the open ocean.
Research Findings: Diamonds, precious metals and other stones were confirmed to sink when thrown into open deep-water ocean regions exactly as depicted in the film.  

Name: Willem Chesterton
Organization: W. Chesterton and Associates
Amount: $3,482,900
Research Summary: With an increase of consumption of gold in premium desserts and novelty liquors, we’ve begun the only study into the long term health effects of consuming large quantities of the precious metal on a variety of everyday foods including Maine lobster, Angus grade prime rib, blue fin tuna and Dom Perignon.
Research Findings: This is a five-year study, but initial results have shown a surprising gain in body weight and personal happiness among all test subjects.

Name: Abraham Goldfarb
Organization: Mind Melting Mysteries Inc.
Amount: $1,468,000
Research Summary: To search for psychics, palm and tarot readers across the nation, and determine the accuracy of readings based on dollar amounts paid for services ranging from $5 to $5,000 per session.
Research Findings: Although predictions generally increased on positive outlook with higher fees, we found that 78% of psychics still requested more money regardless of how much they had already been paid. None were able to predict a future event in any capacity, and 92% became surly when they learned we would not pay them further.  

Name: Hank Pistachio
Organization: Adult Hobby Research Directives
Amount: $41,000
Research Summary: It has often been said that young boys enjoy pornography, but it had never been proven clinically. We set out to take a number of male test subjects between the ages of 13 and 17 and show them a variety of pornographic material including magazines, videos and naughty novelty playing cards and pens to answer that question.
Research Findings: A staggering 102% of young adult men (with a margin of error of plus/minus 2%) claim to enjoy pornographic materials, preferring the magazines and videos to novelty items. This same percentage also could not believe they were paid $50 for their participation.

Name: Bill Gandolfini Jr.
Organization: BRG Research Company
Amount: $980,000
Research Summary: With currency smuggling on the rise, we wanted to see if it was possible for an individual strapped with a custom made undersuit containing 84 straps of $100 bills ($840,000) to successfully fly from the United States back to his home country of Italy without the money being detected.
Research Findings: We have not heard back from the lead researcher at this time and calls to his office show his telephone has been disconnected, but the fact that he has not shown up in an international prison leads us to the conclusion that his attempt was successful.

Name: Dave Jackson
Organization: Dave’s Automotive LLP, DBA International Finance Research Group
Amount: $14,560,010
Research Summary: There are many 401 scams in operation, where persons alleging to be members of government or royal families, claim to offer great financial rewards to an individual for assistance in a financial transaction. We wish to determine what percentage of these individuals are operating legitimately by engaging every one of them in paid business transactions.
Research Findings: The grant resources were depleted in just three months, and none of the promised revenues came through, leading us to the conclusion that approximately zero percent (0%) of these individuals are acting in legitimate capacities.  

Name: Walter Thompson
Organization: Walter Thompson & Associates
Amount: $36,000
Research Summary: To determine if there any combination of gas-inducing foods and commercially available, non-toxic detergents that can cause an individual to blow soap bubbles from their rectum, which may be beneficial as a novelty or in any number of stage acts.
Research Findings: Due to animal safety regulations, we performed all of our controlled experiments on human beings instead. Despite over 500 combinations of foods and soaps in more than 40 subjects, the nearest result we were able to achieve was explosive diarrhea.  

Name: Kayla Wittier
Organization: KW Research and Espresso
Amount: $489,000
Research Summary: Research data is almost always tainted by participants providing untrue answers. We wish to determine what it will take to make a subject lie, how many lies they are willing to tell, and about what sorts of things they will tell lies. We’ll do it by inducing fear, guilt, coercion and threat of physical harm to the subjects and their loved ones.
Research Findings: Without a completely honest control group, the results were inconclusive, based largely on the fact that all of the subjects eventually ended up lying about every component of the exam and saying anything they could just to leave the premises.  

Name: Jonathan Doe
Organization: Undisclosed
Amount: $2,436,000
Research Summary: To determine what the benefits to society are provided by large government grants with minimal oversight to persons who may or may not be doing any actual research.
Research Findings: As yet undetermined.