Frequently Asked Questions
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Frequently Asked Questions
If you have the next great American idea and you’re looking for funding, we hope you’ll consider government funding for your research or social project, and not just because the faucet is always running, but because our expectations for viable outcomes are so minimal you’ll be hard pressed to find easier oversight from anything short of a mafia front company. Before sending in your grant request, or emailing us for clarification, check out these Frequently Asked Questions to provide information about almost any question you may have
Can I really get government funding for my non-traditional idea?
Yes you can! We’ve funded some pretty unconventional ideas over the years, and though many of them have met with absolute failure, some of our conceptual projects have changed the way everyday life is lived, no matter how many may have frowned on the idea until it was funded and seen through to completion.
As long as your grant request is clearly written and in compliance with our submission guidelines, anyone can submit a request with equal odds of approval. Remember that Einstein and Edison were both high school dropouts who went on to change the world, whether by illuminating it or blowing up the Japanese.
What I want to research is very expensive and can’t possibly have any viable, commercial result, can I still apply?
Yes you can, and it’s people like you who are especially encouraged to apply. If you have a million dollar idea, anybody will fund you, but it’s the expensive ideas without any expectation of success that need our funding the most. Our goal is not to turn a profit, but to advance the sum total of human knowledge. Every year government agencies in the United States spend almost $900million to purchase artwork to adorn our great nation, and the only profit in these projects is the happiness and satisfaction of the people, even though these funds could perhaps be better used to shore up Social Security, feed an entire foreign nation through wartime strife, or cure cancer. It’s a trade-off, but one congressionally mandated
Where does the money come from?
In simplest terms, funding for our grant programs comes from the United States general fund. More specifically it comes from nearly every agency within the federal government, as well as many state, county and municipal governments. You just need to submit your request and let us worry about which agency will fund your research. All you really need to worry about is where the money is going, which should ideally be to your potentially world-changing research project
I can’t verify where all my money is going, is that okay?
Many of the research projects we fund require that a paper trail detailing where the money goes remain secretive, and we understand that. We have funded numerous studies pertaining to illegal immigrants, and we understand why the millions of dollars sent out in blank-check form can not be accounted for, and why all the participants evaporated upon audit. It’s unfortunate for the Government Office of Accountability (GOA), but it’s often necessary for you to have the freedom to do your research unhindered. If your grant is reviewed and audited, and you can not account for how you spent your money, you are fully protected, and you will not be held to any account for where the money has gone, even if you never turn in any finished project or dissertation.
I know someone who got a grant and took the money for himself, how can I repot it?
I’m sorry, but due to budgetary restrictions, we have no office for oversight of such matters at this time. What we’ve done instead is form an exploratory committee to consider the possibility of considering the expansion of initial qualification criteria initially. If you’d like to file a complaint, please track down the original funding agency, write a letter of formal complaint to the attention of the finance officer of that organization (must be addressed accordingly, or it will not be processed), and send it via certified letter to the auditor for that division, and follow it up with a telephone call within no less than 14-days, but no more than 10-days
Isn’t this a huge waste of money?
Not at all. The huge wastes of money come from the individual programs, over which we have no control. Our organization has no control over what monies are allocated under which programs by which jurisdictions. All we do is match candidates with projects to the appropriate funding sources. What we’re doing is opening up the playing field and insuring that the most (and best) candidates actually get to apply for the relevant government funded programs. You could argue that we "waste" our own budget, but we do so by offering smarter candidates for money that will be spent regardless of our involvement. All we’re really doing is insuring that better candidates get funding for better programs
Does my grant count as taxable income?
Any portions paid to individuals, including yourself, as "income" are subject to standard income tax guidelines, but many researchers choose to label the funds as something else entirely or forego claiming the income at all. While this may be illegal and is not advisable, we are legally required to tell you that no one from any granting agency will report the transfer of funds to the Internal Revenue Service
What if I don’t have a research facility?
Many projects require field testing over lab testing. Even if you are representing one of the largest research institutes in the world, for the project you’re proposing, you’d likely have to create a whole new lab anyhow. Don’t let the little fact that you have no facility stand in your way, creating a facility can be part of your grant request, and should be even if you already have a facility.
This is part of what the funding can be used for. Finding a qualified staff to help you is easy once you have the funding, and "qualified" is up to your standards, not ours. You can hire friends, family, day laborers or anyone else you see fit, as long as it’s written in to your budget proposal
What if I don’t have any background in research whatsoever?
Many candidates stress out about such small details, saying things like "but I’m just a gardener" or "what would me, a nanny, know about handling dangerous chemicals?" You know enough to write a grant, don’t you? You’re obviously an expert in something. Many cities hold elections to fill the position of judge. That’s a position you’d think would go to highly experienced lawyers with an exceptional track record, but when it comes to watching your tax dollars at work, qualification is not part of the equation. There’s no school for congressman, and that’s a good thing because it’s how we get our funding
The study I want to do is pretty violent, is that okay?
Yes it is, so long as the violence is quantifiable and you do not have a problem exacting the physical force required for your experiments. If you need to bring on additional staff to fully exact the entirety of the brute force you must exert, be sure to include the costs of such assistance in your initial grant request, since follow up grant requests for such additional funding may be limited
I have no idea at all, can I still qualify for a grant?
Yes you can! Some of our most successful outcomes have been based on little or no initial idea as to what the outcome should be. When we funded the First Church of Nazarene Mexspaniology, the founder had no real concept of where his research was headed, but he had a great title, and we funded it. Today it’s one of the largest and most successful religions in the Southwest.
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